Honestly, this is me

Hearing criticism about myself is probably one of the hardest things for me to take. To be honest, it's actually because I know some of what is said is true. I hate feeling inadequate and feeling like I've failed at something. And I hate even more when people can see that I've made those mistakes and when they point them out. It's for that reason that it's difficult for me to improve myself. I don't like being criticisized, even constructively so, when I already know it myself. Even moreso, I don't like being critisized about things that are difficult for me to change.

I can be judgemental and a gossip. Those are my two vices. Those are the things that are difficult for me to hear and, harder still, for me to change. When I actually think about it, I know it's because of my own insecurities. I want the attention to be reverted to something or someone else other than myself, but I'm only putting a magnifying glass in front of my face, screaming, "Look at me!" Or I'm judging something I hate in someone else that I hate in myself. And the ironic thing is, I hate it when people are judgemental. And I hate it when people gossip.

I hate being wrong. It makes me feel really stupid. I know that's childish and trivial because I can learn from my mistakes, but I feel like all eyes are on me, judging what I've done or said. This is why I rarely raise my hand in class. I feel unsure of myself and my intelligence and I don't want people to know. On some occasions when I have mustered the courage to contribute to class discussions, my answer is wrong or is received unresponsively. This has actually happend on very few occasions, but when it does, I feel like everyone is watching me and judging what stupid thing I've said when in reality everyone has forgotten by the time someone else speaks.

I want help from people when I don't know what to do in a situation but I'm afraid to ask for it. It could be pride, but for the most part, it's my own fear of feeling inadequate. I don't want the person I'm asking for help from to think I'm weak. I know it's wrong, but a part of me thinks that weakness is equated with asking for help. I feel like I'm strong when I can do things on my own. It's like when I'm driving, I hate when Jeremy tells me directions even when I have no idea where I'm going. I feel like I've somehow failed at finding our destination if I can't do it myself. The worst thing is, I know this all sounds so frivolous and petty and yet, I still think this way sometimes.

Something I know I really need to do is consciously make the effort to change the things I see in myself that I don't like. And more importantly, I need to make that effort to change the things in myself that God doesn't like.

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